BY ELGAR B. HICKS, PhD Aries Concerned over Mercury in retrograde? Let’s face facts. Newton’s equation shows that the mushy grapefruit in your fridge has more gravitational pull on you than the fastest planet, by orders of magnitude. You should be more concerned about your federal tax extension than that pathetic, pockmarked planet. Eat the damn grapefruit, Aries, and get on with your life. Taurus Jupiter is square with Neptune, but that alignment won’t prevent your blowhard uncle from trolling you on Facebook with his admiration for Donald Trump and his hatred of Hillary Clinton. Those leftover beers aren’t looking too bad … though it’s not yet 10 a.m. Go ahead and indulge, Taurus. What difference does anything make anymore? Gemini In states like New Mexico, community property law has pluses and minuses. Speaking of, did nobody warn you Virgos are, for the most part, vile thieves? And you ought to more closely examine the invoices your (Capricorn?) divorce attorney is submitting. While you’re fighting with your future ex-spouse, he’s been overbilling you. Cancer The moon in Cancer conjuncts Saturn in Sagittarius this month at 17 degrees, 58 minutes. This astrological phenomenon emphasizes your powerful desire to work, socialize with and be surrounded by people who admire you and treat you with kindness and respect. Those are nice daydreams, but what fantasy world are you living in? Sheesh, Cancer, best of luck. Leo Venus, the planet of love and beauty, rises through Leo this month. Romance and love surge throughout the solar system. Given your moon landing conspiracy theories and the fact that desired partners are repulsed by your appearance, will this have a beneficial effect on your love life? Chillax, Leo. Don’t attract another restraining order. Virgo The new moon in Virgo symbolizes exaltation. Celebrate but be warned this is not an optimal time to spend money at casinos or be in close proximity to law enforcement. Your natural tendency toward kleptomania will be heightened, especially toward month’s end. Be especially wary of one-way mirrors, security cameras and loss prevention specialists, Virgo. Libra Jupiter aligns with Libra at 14 degrees, 21 minutes, so move forward in the direction Jupiter desires. But you don’t give a damn what Jupiter, or any planet in the solar system, wants; the idea is ludicrous, as you’re a rational person. Anyway, you have more important worries this month, as you’ll likely go broke. Hang in there, Libra. Scorpio The sun in Gemini opposes Scorpio with retrograde Mars energy. Translation: Relatives and acquaintances will beg you for rides, cash, weed and liquor more frequently. Your friends are total leeches, Scorpio. Move to a different country … or change your phone number. Spend more time alone, lest your infamous temper get the best of you. Sagittarius Saturn will enter Sagittarius at 7 degrees, but you can’t enjoy watching anything happen in the night sky while your neighbor has four Krieg lights blazing in his backyard. It’s a shame you can’t afford to live in a better neighborhood, Sagittarius. You should have become a doctor, like your parents advised. Capricorn In June, messenger Mercury intertwines with Pluto in Capricorn at 14 degrees. Pluto’s legitimacy as a bona fide planet has been called into question by professional astronomers; your legitimacy has been similarly questioned, as court records clearly show. You might be downgraded to a dwarf someday too. It’s time to step off your high horse, Capricorn. Aquarius Later this month, the fourth quarter moon appears in Aquarius. The center of your solar sector births a dynamic cycle where you find yourself babbling endlessly about films and books that bore your friends. Curb your extraordinary enthusiasm, Aquarius. If it takes longer to tell someone about a movie than it does to screen it, that’s a problem. Pisces The Sun in Pisces conjoins Venus in Gemini (aka your domestic zone) and dutiful Saturn (your career zone), increasing your innate, inquisitive social nature. Such oppositions of energy between Venus and Saturn call for a better work-life balance, Pisces. Avoid eye contact with your superiors; they probably already suspect you of communist sympathies and/or excessive partying. Dr. Elgar B. Hicks received a PhD in Hagiography from the Sheboygan Divinity Institute. The author of 27 self-help books, Hicks frequently time-travels; he is currently incarcerated in the year 1864 at the Confederate prison in Andersonville, S.C.
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